Losing and finding, re-visited

This has been an incredible week. It began with the first monthly Sunday "Service" collaborative between The Well at Springfield and St. John's Lutheran. It was such a great day of moving beyond our comfortable places of worship to know and serve the neighborhood. On that same day, I headed to Atlanta for a long-awaited visit with friends and colleagues, and participation in the 2012 Self Preaching Lectures, featuring Brian McLaren. It was a busy, but rich few days of re-connection and learning. Upon returning, I had the joy of sharing about church planting with a group of 5th and 6th graders. The rest of the week, I was busy preparing for this Sunday's worship and for our first week-night potluck gathering. That gathering in our home last night was a true gift as one of our Well participants shared his story with such courage and humility.

In all of the busyness and goodness, I am drawn to center on the idea of losing and finding. This recurrent theme of letting go and discovering seems to naturally flow out of where I find myself on the journey. While surrounded by colleagues at my seminary Alma mater, I was confronted with some "letting go of" that maybe I had not even realized I had chosen. As I sat back listening to presentations and dialogue by esteemed pastors of prominent churches, it hit me that I am not moving in that direction. I recognized, more powerfully than I have in the past, that starting a missional Christian community that some would not even consider a real "church" has put me in a different place. This certainly does not negate or even diminish the relationships I share with these friends, but it does put me in a different category.

I've been reflecting on this realization, and it has prompted me to make a list of things I am losing and finding on this divergent path. Many of these things are in progress, but they are being lost or found nonetheless:

I am losing... (and, sometimes have a hard time letting go of...)

• My ability and energy to engage in conversations about the politics and upward mobility of other people in my profession
• A defined goal or ending place for this church starting venture
• A need to fulfill others' expectations
• The need to control the conversation, to be responsible for the outcome, to fix things
• Identity with those in places of power
• Predictions

I am finding...

• People inviting me to hear about their struggles, disappointments and perceived failures in ministry
• A new and refreshing sense of being present/in the moment/depth that leads to the next step
• An appreciation for who and where God is calling me to be (yeah, this is definitely a daily struggle)
• A growing awareness of my inability to fix everything that is broken, and much needed surrender to God who can
• Identity with those who are in need of healing
• Possibilities

The truth is that we all make choices (some we are more conscious of than others) that lead us in certain directions. It's helpful for me, and maybe for you as well, to stop and consider what we've chosen to leave behind, and what we're discovering along the way.

Getting out of hand

A colleague of mine often stops in to ask how things went on the previous Sunday at The Well. Inevitably, I respond "really good", and then go on to describe how although we are unapologetically no well-oiled machine, good things are happening. When he stopped in this morning, I finally gave a different response. I told him the truth about yesterday's worship gathering. I described how tired I was from a physically and emotionally draining week. I told him how despite having the words in front of me, during the message I felt scattered and unable to string my thoughts together. I just did not feel I had it together.

Ironically, two Sunday's ago at The Well we engaged in a powerful discussion centered around the story from the Gospel of Mark in which Jesus heals a demon-possessed man in the synagogue on the Sabbath. This interruption into worship revealed the presence of pain and imperfection, yet through it Jesus was able to offer healing. The imperfection was actually the catalyst for the light of Christ to be revealed. In the words of singer and song writer Leonard Cohen,

"Ring the bells that still can ring

Forget your perfect offering

There is a crack, a crack in everything

That's how the light gets in."

This rang true yesterday. Despite (and maybe because of) my inadequacy, it was evident that God was at work. After the message, we engaged in another powerful discussion. People responded with ways that they connected to the scripture text, and where they felt challenged to respond. It was beautiful, and I realized that my capabilities were irrelevant. When people gather together and truly enter into the story of scripture, there will be questions, doubts, fears, and concerns that come to the surface. The willingness to expose those places of struggle makes room for God's Spirit to move among us. And, while it's liberating to know that I am not as important as I sometimes believe I am, it is scary to realize that God works in ways that we cannot predict or control. Although I can help shape something with my hands, what it ends up becoming is always beyond and out of my control.

I suppose the lesson for the journey is to continue to prepare and to embrace my imperfections as the way the light of Christ can be made visible. I am so thankful for being a part of a faith community that allows space for this to happen.

Getting real

(somehow I managed to post my work-in-progress yesterday...sorry to those who received a half-written post...just keepin' it real ; )

Things have been getting a little more "real" lately. The vision has become reality, bringing with it a whole new set of joys, fears, and questions. The faith community that was to be now is, and the reality that it will have its own unique challenges goes without saying. After all, we are a group of individuals that each bring our own personalities, histories, upbringings and life experiences to the table. It's going to be interesting.

Probably the most profound way that I am experiencing this "real-ness" is through the challenges we face as a new work. I think it's our tendency as human beings to sort of float along when things are going well, but it's when challenges arise that things get real. For us, the challenges have been centered around making decisions about the future - where and when to gather, how to get the word out, how to structure our life together...lots of decisions for a group that is just getting to know one another! Making decisions together exposes our differences, and sometimes those differences can be hard to work through.

Another more recent way that we're getting real is by journeying together into the lows that we each face. We've had sick parents and struggling co-workers, but now the struggles of those in the group are coming to the surface. There are concerns and crises in the room that have the potential to crack open our life-as-usual routine, and make a way for authentic community to form. This is not easy, though. We expect as followers of Jesus, that there will be lots of opportunities to give to those in need, but what about when we are the ones in need? That's when things get tough, and real.

So much of my learning about what it means to be church happens outside of our group and out in the lives of those in the community. Earlier this week, I had the opportunity to take a friend's neighbor to the doctor. We talked a lot about what it feels like to be on the receiving end of care, about how hard it can be to be dependent on others, and how good it feels to give back. The more we talked I realized how much I was learning from her experience. I showed up to give, but received so much. I was reminded that restoration and healing can only happen when we are able to be vulnerable enough to give and receive. While giving makes us feel good, receiving reminds us of our inadequacy. We need both to experience wholeness, to love and be loved.

I think this is what Kathy Escobar describes as downward mobility in her book, Down We Go: Living Into the Wild Ways of Jesus. As she shares about her own faith community, she describes the ways that entering into the brokenness of her friends has led to her own transformation.

"Entering into the messy places is a core characteristic of downward living. We need a diverse mix of intentional relationships in which to tangibly practice love. ...to live down here we must consider a theology of brokenness that embraces humility as the starting place. It also means we must develop eyes to see what others do not see and to begin to make visible what is often invisible to the upwardly mobile."

The faith community I felt called to create is one in which restoration is not just talked about, but experienced as we share life together. In a world where there is so much pain and brokenness, I don't think we can afford to do anything less.

A candle and a promise

Last night, The Well's first Christmas Eve worship gathering began in a dimly lit room with only the light from our small Advent candles. These candles had been lit as we journeyed through the season of anticipating Christ's birth. Each signified a promise that hope, peace, love and joy would be realities in our lives and in our world. The room grew brighter as we listened to and entered into the Christmas narrative. A prophet's vision would be realized, a barren woman would give birth, a virgin would conceive. The Messiah would come in the form of a tiny baby and dwell with us. What began with a promise became a promise fulfilled as two boys in our church family lit the Christ candle. Light overcame darkness and the room was full and bright as we each raised candles high and worshiped the One who fulfills our longings.

This Christmas morning, I am so thankful for Light. I am thankful for the truth that love can overcome fear and doubt, that old patterns can be broken, that joy can be experienced here and now. God is with us! Merry Christmas!

The voice of Advent

It has been a busy couple of weeks as we have gathered for monthly worship, hosted a service of comfort and partnered to provide a Christmas store and day of fun for neighborhood families. Makes me tired just writing all of that! Although we as a faith community have encouraged a resistance to the busyness of the holidays, it has been difficult not to get consumed by all of this activity. It has taken a great deal of effort to rest, to balance and to slow down enough to hear the rich sounds of Advent.

A couple of weeks ago during worship, the peace candle was lit by a participant of The Well. I had asked him to share briefly about his definition of "peace", and to share a personal example of how he had experienced peace in unexpected circumstances. His story has stayed with me. He began telling about his resistance to enter a treatment program that would help him recover from addiction. He reluctantly entered after his family staged an intervention on his behalf. He endured the program half-heartedly, but admitted to planing to return to his addictive behaviors after finishing treatment. He described how on one morning, the ongoing noise that had filled his head for as long as he could remember suddenly stopped. As he sat alone in a room, he heard a voice from the hallway saying these words of warning: "If you don't stop, you're going to die."

As we lit the peace candle, we heard peace defined as "the time when the other voices stopped and I could hear the one that mattered...God's voice." This has stayed with me. The temptation during this time of year, and in most seasons of life is to hear what's on the surface. Advent reminds us that there is a deeper voice longing to be heard. The sounds of love, hope, joy and peace are waiting to be heard and spoken in our lives and communities. These voices are longing to confront the noises of power, violence, and hopelessness that seem so dominant. This season of anticipation invites us to wait attentively, believing that at any moment, these sounds will emerge. This season also invites us to anticipate a day in the future when all the noise will stop, and only one voice will be heard. I pray we will have the courage to hear the voice of Advent that calls us beyond our busyness and into the depths of God's creative power at work among us.

Look! He is coming with the clouds; every eye will see him, even those who pierced him; and on his account all the tribes of the earth will wail. So it is to be. Amen. “I am the Alpha and the Omega,” says the Lord God, who is and who was and who is to come, the Almighty.

-Revelation 1:7-8

It's the little things...

Over the past year and a half, the list of things I am thankful for has changed and grown. When expressing thanks, I often find myself using the phrase "it's the little things." Those things that are often overlooked, often brushed past or unnoticed have felt like milestones in this church starting journey. I want to share a few of those things with you...

• When I hear someone at The Well say "our church" or "we need to..." (reminds me that we are in this together, something I find very comforting!)
• Hugs from friends who are glad to see me
• The encouragement of those who follow this blog, and share their own insights through email, in person or by commenting
• The sharing of fresh insights into the story of scripture ("I've never thought of it this way before, but...")
• The realization of what we can do if we each share a small amount (from great potluck dinners to providing for a neighbor in need)
• A place to meet that immediately felt like "home" to us
• People eager to partner and "plot goodness" with us
• Words like "next year, we should..." (reminds me that a faith community has taken shape and is anticipating the future - thanks be to God!)
• Countless impromptu conversations with strangers who quickly became friends
• The helpful hands of family and friends (including parents who care for our children after school at least one afternoon every week!)
• Kevin's words when he gets home from work almost every single night: "I'm always glad to get home to my family." (this time last year, he was still commuting from Atlanta!)

It's all of these little things that add up to one big sense of awareness that God is with me/us on the journey. I pray for greater awareness of these not-so-small reminders, and for the wisdom to pause and give thanks.

Eating and drinking together

It's ironic that The Well has experienced communion together in both our first monthly worship gatherings. It's ironic because too often in the life of our own family, we forgo eating and drinking together (at the same time, at the same table) because of our schedules. I know that when we are not intentional about eating together, we miss out on valuable time of really seeing and hearing one another. We miss out on being still together and enjoying the gift of a shared meal.

Certainly, the communion meal or Eucharist is about more than enjoying the goodness of food and friendship. In fact, it is a meal rich with symbol and meaning. It is a time of both remembrance and celebration of the life of Christ. It is a metaphor for our receiving, being nourished by, and sharing the gifts we have been given through God's grace. It is a way by which we participate with Christ's first disciples in accepting the reality of our reliance on God to sustain us for the journey of both suffering and joy that will pave the way to the cross and the tomb.

I just finished watching a DVD version of this Sunday's worship gathering. It was really helpful for me to step back and see what took place without being distracted by the responsibility of the logistics. I saw and heard the sounds of a family coming together to participate in something significant. There was the hearing of God's story, the sharing of our personal stories, the singing of songs claiming hope and faith, and the call to accept and participate in the way of restoration. We were invited to respond in several ways to how we heard and saw God in worship, including the response of coming to the table to share in communion. I watched as people slowly and thoughtfully made their way to receive the bread and the cup, and I recognized another meaning of this ancient meal come to life. I witnessed how our eating and drinking together at the Lord's table serve as a means for transforming a group of individuals into a community of acceptance and hospitality where all are welcome. Young, old, black, white, rich, poor came to the table. They ate and drank from the same loaf and cup, and through this shared meal, gave witness to a God who loves and accepts each one of us. Our professions, achievements, incomes and agendas seemed irrelevant. We all needed the bread and the cup, and we were all called to share it as we journeyed from that place.

I was reminded to be grateful for the goodness of God that is experienced as we gather around tables to enjoy food together. Fortunately for The Well, there are always opportunities to enjoy a meal together, including our upcoming 'Gather Round on November 20th. We'll not only share a potluck meal, but we'll have intentional conversation about how feast(s) and table(s) nourish, shape and challenge us as human beings. We'll think, dream and "plot goodness" around how as people of faith we can be more responsible with how we grow, enjoy, purchase and share our food. If you're in Jacksonville, I hope you will join us. You can register here, and then just show up with one of your favorite dishes.

Grace and peace...until our next meal together.